Salad Days

I have always hated salads.  This probably stems from the fact that making the dinner salad was my own personal permanent chore growing up.  Every night I had a date with an iceberg lettuce and a cucumber.  I would hack the leafy head to shreds, piling its detritus in the ugly plastic salad bowl.  I had a soft spot for the cucumber, however.  To this I applied much greater care, often using the tines of a fork to apply decorative fluting down the outside before slicing.  Of course, I always snuck a few slices of cuke into my mouth when no one was looking.  There was also a tomato.  I abhor tomatoes.  There is something about the gelatinous seed glop in the center of a tomato that I find especially off-putting.  I will eat any manner of cooked tomatoes, but a raw tomato just makes me want to hurl.

My father was an intensely picky eater.  He ate dried out chicken, well-cooked eggs, and never eggplant or yogurt.   He only ate tomato-based salad dressings, like Thousand Island or Catalina.  Often I would have to fabricate Thousand Island with mayonnaise, ketchup and relish for him.  I did not like the relish and would try to put in less, but he would always force me to make the dressing to his exact specifications.  I remember one particular time when some of the limp leaves of the lettuce found their way into the salad bowl.  When he admonished me for this, I told him to simply remove the offending leaf from his bowl.  I was surprised to find that he was more interested in teaching me the importance of “pleasing the man of the house” when I cooked.  That is when salad lost its appeal for me.  To this day, I can scarcely make a salad for any occasion without conjuring that memory and feeling like I am enslaved.

I used to enjoy ordering salads at restaurants.  The idea that someone else would prepare a salad for me had enormous appeal.  It was like a flash vacation.  But now even that pleasure has been taken away.  Have you seen what passes for salads in restaurants today?  Remember when a salad was a low-calorie, healthy alternative to a cheeseburger and fries?  Not anymore!  I think the FDA or the CDC should do an investigation—especially at establishments like the Cheesecake Factory (OK, the name says it all) and Chilis.  For the last few months, I have been inventorying salads and salad ingredients with great dismay.  I have discovered that an alarming number of restaurants have only the following salad offerings:  Caesar Salad, Cobb Salad, Taco Salad, Fried Chicken Salad.

First point:  A salad is supposed to be about eating vegetables!  Throwing a bunch of protein ingredients on a bed of lettuce is not a salad.

Second point:  Salad ingredients are not supposed to be deep fried!  Fried chicken should be served in a bucket, not on a bed of greens and covered in an oil-based dressing.

Third point:  A taco salad is not a salad, it is a chili taco! 

 

Fourth point:  Cobb salad—who are you kidding? This is an artery clog on a plate.  The primary ingredients are egg, blue cheese, bacon, chicken, and avocado.  Which of these ingredients says healthy to you?  Get the cheeseburger instead—it’s healthier.

Fifth point:  There are close to 40 grams of fat in a side serving of Caesar salad.  

Sixth point:  Enough with the beet salad already.  If I see another beet salad with blue cheese and walnuts I am going to scream.  This salad is now on every restaurant menu in America.  Don’t you guys have any originality?

Seventh point:  When did cheese become a primary ingredient in salad?  I can’t even get a dinner salad in a restaurant that isn’t covered with grated cheese of some variety.

Eighth point:  Knock off all the starchy trash on salads.  A few croutons are OK, but fried tortilla strips in a variety of colors are not a vegetable substitute.  Wonton strips are just a bunch of soggy crumbs.

Now I am really caught.  I hate to make salads, and there are very few places in the world where I can get a decent healthy salad.  (Panera:  you are a grave disappointment)  So like Cleopatra, my salad days are over!

Tomorrow's blog:  Triple Threat